Awkward Turtles
by xXxShiniXKazexXx
Summary: The many situations you may or may not find yourself in during your adventuring days in Skyrim. -Kaze /Title: for lack of a better name Orz/
1. Issues For The Soul

**Issues For The Soul**

_Summary: Perhaps being a Champion for ALL of the Daedric Princes wasn't the most intelligent idea after all._

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><p>She really, <em>really<em> didn't want to die.

It wasn't because she was afraid. Oh, no, it was purely the fact that _this_ would happen.

"She belongs to the _Void_." hissed Sithis, his shadowy form lingering, intangible, but not so much to the other Daedric Princes.

"I do believe I lay claim on her soul when she died." Sheogorath said casually, his tone was formal, yet he seemed to be getting impatient as he poked Sithis' odd form. "Also, how do you _breathe_ in there?"

"He's not wearing a costume, you old fart," Clavicus Vile grumbled, "Besides, her service belongs to me."

"_I _hold her soul!" Azura interrupted, glaring at them all, glowing orbs... well, _glowing_, menacingly.

"No fair!" Boethiah scowled at Azura, raising clawed fingers menacingly, "_You_ got that Champion of Cyrodiil last time!" Azura looked like she was about to retort, but was cut off.

"That's true; you should stay out of this one, Azura!" Hircine glowered.

Mehrunes Dagon coughed gruffly, "Excuse me? _I_ have rightful claim to her soul! My Razor was the perfect artefact, and thus, she owes me for it!"

"That piece of junk hardly ever works anyways!" Retorted Meridia, "Dawnbreaker is the sword she mostly uses out of all of your little artifacts!"

"Hey!" Molag Bal quipped, "My Mace was perfectly useful!"

"Out of all of us, she has actually sworn a binding Oath to _me_." Nocturnal said coldly.

"Well, I want to torture her for all eternity!" Vaermina snarled, "Even if she did kill that wretched Priest of Mara at the end, she still ruined my plans!"

"Well, I don't really care either way. We had a drink together, and caused chaos." Sanguine shrugged, "Win-win situation for me."

Peryite tilted his scaly head, "I don't really need her soul either..."

Azura's right eye twitched, "Then why in Oblivion are you here? Now that I can finally _speak_, I did not claim the Champion of Cyrodiil at all! Remember? Sheogorath _is_ the Champion of the Third Era, you damn horkers!"

Sheogorath cocked his head, "Oh... right."

"That _still_ doesn't give you rights to her soul." Namira said stiffly.

"Why don't you all just rip me apart and share?" The Dragonborn scowled... then stopped short.

..._why_ did she just say that?

Oh, _crap_, now all of them seemed to be _very_ receptive to that idea.

"I-I didn't say anything!" She squeaked.

"_Did_ you now...?" They all chuckled evilly.

The Dragonborn paled.

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><p><strong>AN: As you can all obviously see, I am bored. Also, I had a thought about this situation, and I honestly wondered what would happen if the Dragonborn died, or even the Nerevarine or some other person who became a Champion for ALL of the Daedric Princes.**

**Please review~ ;)**

**P.S: Seriously, Mehrunes' Razor has never worked, even though I have hit so many enemies with it... XD**

**(Edit: 8/01/12 - Random inspiration keeps on popping up, and thus, I have decided to make this a collection...)**


	2. Talkative Followers

**Talkative Followers**

_Summary: It was official. Lucien Lachance was now the THE MOST annoying 'spectral assassin' around._

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><p>There was no doubt. Lucian Lachance talked <em>waaay<em> too much.

"I remember Skyrim from my youth-"

"Would you-!" The Dragonborn almost started banging her head against a tree. Honestly, this 'Spectral Assassin' was like a broken record! Too bad there was no time limit, but the Dragonborn was no stranger to striking down allies if need be.

"I was but a Speaker for the Black Hand. But you have been named Listener. There is no higher honour."

"Maybe I should've just taken Cicero along –" As soon as the Dragonborn had that thought, she perished it. He talked as much as Lucian!

"Shadowmere, my old and dear friend."

The Dragonborn almost tore out her hair. "He's not even here, damn it! Are you _trying_ to drive me crazy?"

"Perhaps we should find a random stranger to murder. Practice _does_ make perfect."

"Is this because I used Unrelenting Force on you and Vilkas?"

"Of course it is!" Lucien finally broke from his monotonous routine, looking _very_ pissed off. "You freaking Shouted us off the College of Winterhold bridge!"

She cocked her head, "Well... you're still alive, aren't you? Er, well, in your case, undead."

"In case you didn't notice, I didn't appear after an hour the first time you did that!"

"...Vilkas did."

"Maybe because he's needed for the ultra-important Companions questline?"

"Right... does this mean you're undermining your self-importance?"

"I... shut up. I was important in Oblivion, okay?"

"You were living during the Oblivion Crisis?"

"...yes."

"Do tell!"

"What? NOW you want me to talk?"

"Well, yeah..."

"Hm, I suppose it is significant to note that I am the Launcher of a Thousand Ships."

"...Eh?"

"Tropes."

"No, you aren't! You're just paired with every damn adventurer... yeah, Launcher of a Thousand Ships."

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><p><strong>AN: I had no idea how to end it... Orz**

**Anyways, does anyone else think so too? I always thought that he was just way too damn talkative for his own good... XD Still awesome though, haha~**


	3. The Guards are all Clones

**3. The Guards are all Clones**

_Summary: It was damn clear that ALL of the guards got an arrow in their knee._

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><p>"I used to be an adventurer like you, but then I got an arrow in the knee…"<p>

The Dragonborn stared.

This was the sixty-seventh guard she'd talked to, and, thus, this was the sixty-seventh guard that had said they'd gotten an arrow in the knee.

So, she came to the conclusion that they must ALL be clones of one person.

_Well, it must be true, _she thought as she meandered off, _they keep spawning like rabbits in Markarth and Solitude no matter how many times I obliterate them…_

And, according to the sixty-seven she'd spoken to, they all hailed Sithis, wanted a warm bed, had a cousin fighting dragons, thought she had a _sweetroll _stolen off of her, and, to top it all off, they all thought they were secretly the Dragonborn.

At least the Legates were different.

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><p><strong>AN: Hmm... I had an idea on how to extend it... I forgot though, Orz**


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